New Jersey, Superiority

Sorry for ruining your special day, other dads.

It’s sweet that people are tweeting and Facebooking and blogging and actually saying things aloud in real life about the quality of their fathers and/or husbands: namely, that said father and/or husband is the BEST FATHER EVER.

I feel a little guilty posting these photos, because exposure to them will likely shatter that reverie.

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My Uterus Will Cut You, New Jersey, Superiority

It’s not a good time to be a vagina-possessing person in North Dakota.

I’m sorry that you’ve been legally demoted from “person” to “incubator.” As always, New Jersey welcomes you.

Parts of southern New Jersey are barren wastelands similar to what I image North Dakota is like, so you should feel pretty comfortable here.


Add Two More To the List

We’ve already established that New Jersey is superior to Australia (home of the fire tornado)(and populated by criminals) and Connecticut (home of misogynist assbags).

Today, we can add two more places to that list:

  1. Mexico, because of the fish tornadoes.
  2. Canada, because of the baby-snatching eagles. Ed.: DEBUNKED! But Canada stays on the list, because they foisted Rush upon the world. 

Here in New Jersey, we hold eagles to much higher standards of comportment.

Effed-Up Shit, Superiority

New Jersey Will Offer Asylum To The First 500,000 Connecticutians

Connecticutters?* Whatever. Not the point.

Here’s the thing: the Supreme Court of Connecticut, which is apparently occupied by three actual human persons and four sub-human rape apologists, recently did this. You probably shouldn’t click that link unless you’re sitting next to someone who’s okay with being punched in the throat.

I’m pretty sure there’s no coming back from this, and that our only option is to burn Connecticut to the ground and start over. New Jersey will give asylum to about half a million refugees. The rest of you will need to go overland to Canada, so Godspeed.

Normally I’m not quite so Old Testament-y in my reactions, but this epic display of human callousness and woman-hating deserves a truly Biblical response.

Those who look back while fleeing will be turned into a pillar of Sperry-brand boat shoes.

*Apparently, they are often called “nutmeggers,” and I’m not even going to touch that.