Three Ways to Use My New Favorite Slang Phrase, Lockdown Day 59

Yesterday, a column in theĀ New York Times introduced us to the world’s saddest breakfast, a joyless health-focused meal based around “a third of a can of soup, heated in the microwave for three minutes.”

Today I submit to you that there are not many phrases more bleak and dispiriting than “a third of a can of soup.” Half of a can of soup is a normal quantity of soup to consume. A quarter of a can of soup is obviously not enough for a meal, so if you see that phrase it’s clear that the soup is only being used as a flavoring agent. A third of a can of soup sits right in the sad spot. It’s insufficiency. It’s a sign of impoverishment, or of ascetic self-denial. It is the antithesis of satisfaction. You have to heat it in the microwave, because if you put a third of a can of soup into a pot on the stove and actually had to confront it while it was heating, you’d weep, which would oversalt the soup.

Yes, I have been thinking about this a lot.

Today I call on all of you to work with me and turn “a third of a can of soup” into a generally recognized slang phrase meaning “sad and depressing” — not to apply to like, humanitarian atrocities, but for something that is melancholic or philosophically troubling. E.g.,:

Person 1: “Between Bret Stephens and Ross Douthat, I feel like we really can’t consider the New York Times the paper of record any more. Journalism is in a bad way these days.”

Person 2: “Seriously. It’s like a third of a can of soup.”

OR

Person 2: “Seriously. I still read it sometimes, but it’s like eating a third of a can of soup.”

OR

Person 2: “Seriously. Third of a can.”

At this point, Person 1 can merely nod in a sage but dejected manner, or can choose to respond, saying forlornly:

“Right? Heated in the microwave for three minutes.”

OR

“Right? Three minutes in the microwave.”

That’s the next level, though. For today, let’s work on the “third of a can” part. Personally, my preferred usage would be the third, short-form option, but you do what feels right to you.

5 Comments

    1. I have a soft spot for canned New England clam chowder — Manhattan clam chowder is troubling regardless of provenance — which was an off-limits American abomination in my childhood, and is therefore today a comforting junk food if and only if the can is consumed in its entirety.

      Liked by 1 person

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