I am not myself a Bernie Sanders supporter, but I thought of these slogans for him while dozing in the backseat of a car the other day. I offer them without charge, and look forward to seeing the bumper stickers.
So, remember that time we wanted to move to Italy but it’s a bureaucratic nightmare, so we thought why not move to Amsterdam in the meantime because hey that seems fun, and then we got rid of our apartment and car and stuff and actually did it, and now we’re in Amsterdam?
Two, in fact. I have decided to share them with you, because you seem like right-thinking people.
These opinions, on airplane boarding and Orson Scott Card, may seem entirely disconnected from one another, which would be a correct assessment had I not read Ender’s Game while on a cross-country flight. And now, as with a good rug to a room, everything’s tied together.
Finishing Butters, brilliant! Because now the door is open for Starting Butters and Halfway Through Butters and all kinds of In-Progress Butters. Endless possibility! A Butter for every occasion Truly, Paula Deen is the marketing genius of our age. Or possibly our society’s fatal flaw. Personally, I’m looking forward to the Butter-Flavored Butter (Now with Extra Butter).
Forty acres and a stick of specialty butter: the American dream.
This is a thing I do, where I stand up in front of groups of people and pretend to be knowledgeable about things.
If you’re in Montreal, you should come: I can be funny sometimes, and because I have a crippling fear of public speaking, there’s always the chance I will behave in some inappropriately hysterical manner. Educational AND a great schadenfreude opportunity!*
*Self deprecation aside: it will be awesome. Plus, if turnout is low, I’ll probably self-medicate by binging on poutine. And I really don’t like poutine, so please don’t drive me to that.
- Delusions of Gwyneth Paltrow
- Unfortunate Gastro-Intestinal Events
I think I’ve figured out how to create consensus on the gun issue.
I has been brought to my attention that media darlings the Westboro Baptist Church will be demonstrating in Connecticut to make clear their view that the massacre of kindergarteners was willed by their god because of America’s increasing acceptance of same-sex marriage.
Frankly, I find it sloppy and lazy that any god would mete out its judgment in this way. Back in the day, god still had a pair and wasn’t afraid to rain down fire and brimstone when people started acting up; none of this trickle-down judgment bullshit.
Therefore, I assume that Westboro followers and their ilk will agree that a broad gun ban is acceptable: if god really wants to do some smiting, he should be able to get the job done sans mentally unstable man with gun. I mean, in the Old Testament book 2 Kings, god sends bears to rip 42 kids to bits just because they got a chuckle out of pointing out that some dude god liked was bald, to say nothing of Sodom and Gomorrah or the whole ark business. Clearly, god can take care of his shit.
So: we repeal the Second Amendment. Gun violence decreases dramatically. If god is serious about the gay marriage thing, he’s free to smite innocent children himself. If he decides to go for it, Westboro is proven right and we all grovel before Fred Phelps. If he doesn’t, no one has to die, and Jennifer and Jessica are free to register for that panini press at Crate & Barrel.
If this isn’t a win-win proposition, I don’t know what is.
In the meantime, I apologize to Connecticut, and the rest of the world, really, for the Westboro Baptist Church. We’re all kind of hoping they decide America is too far gone and try some Heaven’s Gate-style repentance.