Next Year Everyone Gets a Day Off for Dean Martin

I didn’t celebrate Columbus Day this year with my usual vigor because I have a sprained foot I’m trying to stay off of, and I’m all out of smallpox-covered blankets.

Also I totally forgot it’s Columbus Day, because why is that still a thing? I’ll tell you why: some Italian-Americans wanted a day to celebrate Italian heritage and figured Columbus was their best bet for getting a three-day weekend, so they lobbied for Columbus Day until the US caved, which couldn’t really have been that tough because everyone likes having a Monday off.

(Shockingly, the first state to officially recognize Columbus Day was Colorado, and not New Jersey! Then FDR made it a federal holiday after the Knights of Columbus got involved because let’s be honest, anyone would be intimidated by those hats.)

While I can’t support Columbus Day, I am 100% behind three-day weekends and eating zeppoli, so I’m still in favor of some kind of Italian-American celebration.  This year, I’d like to suggest that we reframe the day to commemorate a less terrible Italian-American. Here are my suggestions; feel free to share yours in the comments:

  • Cyndi Lauper (her mother is Italian!)
  • Bruce Springsteen (so is his!)
  • Serpico
  • Stanley Tucci
  • Rocky Balboa (circa Rocky IV)
  • Jon Bon Jovi
  • Dorothy Zbornak (née Petrillo)

(I know some of these are fictional characters, but I’m assuming that bad-assness  is the controlling factor here.)

Just think of it: Dorothy Zbornak day! Everyone takes the afternoon off to sit on the lanai, eating cheesecake and making cutting quips.

That’s my kind of holiday.


  1. I didn’t get the day off here in North Dakota, and to be honest, I really didn’t think much about Chris Columbus. I would be in favor of having the day off for National Cheesecake Day, however.


  2. I love the idea of Rocky Balboa day (from Rocky IV). All of the men grow beards and then throw the turkeys outside after they’re cooked.


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