Also I totally forgot it’s Columbus Day, because why is that still a thing? I’ll tell you why: some Italian-Americans wanted a day to celebrate Italian heritage and figured Columbus was their best bet for getting a three-day weekend, so they lobbied for Columbus Day until the US caved, which couldn’t really have been that tough because everyone likes having a Monday off.
(Shockingly, the first state to officially recognize Columbus Day was Colorado, and not New Jersey! Then FDR made it a federal holiday after the Knights of Columbus got involved because let’s be honest, anyone would be intimidated by those hats.)
While I can’t support Columbus Day, I am 100% behind three-day weekends and eating zeppoli, so I’m still in favor of some kind of Italian-American celebration. This year, I’d like to suggest that we reframe the day to commemorate a less terrible Italian-American. Here are my suggestions; feel free to share yours in the comments:
- Cyndi Lauper (her mother is Italian!)
- Bruce Springsteen (so is his!)
- Stanley Tucci
- Rocky Balboa (circa Rocky IV)
- Jon Bon Jovi
- Dorothy Zbornak (née Petrillo)
(I know some of these are fictional characters, but I’m assuming that bad-assness is the controlling factor here.)
Just think of it: Dorothy Zbornak day! Everyone takes the afternoon off to sit on the lanai, eating cheesecake and making cutting quips.
That’s my kind of holiday.