I was recently giving a presentation to colleagues, during which I noted that one of my dogs once stole a piece of fried chicken from a sleeping homeless man.
At the time, we had a long talk with him about homelessness and poverty, and how many people are a single paycheck or medical emergency away from sleeping on a park bench and having their fried chicken stolen by a dog who eats food made of humanely-raised, Montessori-educated lambs twice a day. He spent several seconds reflecting on what he’d done before wandering off to urinate on a prize-winning rose bush.
It occurs to me now that there are no existing etiquette guidelines to shape the dog owner’s response in this situation, so I thought I would start a conversation. This is a sincere effort to assist others, and not to change my Google Search traffic from “Iceberg Hunters” to “dog steals hobo chicken.”
Here are some possible responses we did not employ:
- Return the partially-eaten, bedrooled-upon chicken to the bag, walk away, and pretend nothing happened.
- Leave five bucks in his jacket pocket, walk away, and pretend nothing happened.
- Buy some new fried chicken, put it in the bag, walk away, and pretend nothing happened.
Other people might opt to:
- Never return to that park ever again.
- Burn the park to the ground, erasing all evidence of canine culpability.
In the end, we went with the basic “walk away, and pretend nothing happened,” which is a depressingly par for the course American reaction to strange unpleasantness. If Jesus hates me and this happens to me again one day, I’d probably leave the person some money. Perhaps I should leave a fiver in the pocket of the next sleeping homeless person I see, to erase my karmic debt.
I post this not to tell you what you should do in this situation, but simply as an illustration of a powerful lesson we should never, ever forget: dogs are assholes, and will embarrass you at every opportunity.
Thank you and good night.
I never thought of dogs as dissemblers before. By d*g, you’re ushering me into a new age of reason, though that surely be a misnomer.
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Oh, I already knew that!
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Oh my word, cheez wiz came out of my nose while I was reading this at my desk at work. And I’m not even eating cheez wiz!
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Then my work here is done.
Dear Whoever Manufactures Cheez-Whiz:
I expect some kind of renumeration for this.
Thanks.
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Listen. I can’t tell you enough how much I love your blog. Seriously. This is just the sort of rumination that keeps me awake at night. Though you are way out of my league, I have nominated you for a Liebster Award because I want everyone to read you and it is the only power I can bestow at this moment: http://lobestir.com/2013/10/03/liebster-awards/.
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Aw, thanks! I don’t really do the award thing, but I appreciate the love (and I’m really glad you like King of States!). Off to check out your site and other nominees 🙂
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This is brilliant! Love your blog! Thanks for the follow!
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