A Secondary Proposal

Dear America,

I think I’ve figured out how to create consensus on the gun issue.

I has been brought to my attention that media darlings the Westboro Baptist Church will be demonstrating in Connecticut to make clear their view that the massacre of kindergarteners was willed by their god because of America’s increasing acceptance of same-sex marriage.

Frankly, I find it sloppy and lazy that any god would mete out its judgment in this way. Back in the day, god still had a pair and wasn’t afraid to rain down fire and brimstone when people started acting up; none of this trickle-down judgment bullshit.

Therefore, I assume that Westboro followers and their ilk will agree that a broad gun ban is acceptable: if god really wants to do some smiting, he should be able to get the job done sans mentally unstable man with gun. I mean, in the Old Testament book 2 Kings, god sends bears to rip 42 kids to bits just because they got a chuckle out of pointing out that some dude god liked was bald, to say nothing of Sodom and Gomorrah or the whole ark business. Clearly, god can take care of his shit.

So: we repeal the Second Amendment. Gun violence decreases dramatically. If god is serious about the gay marriage thing, he’s free to smite innocent children himself. If he decides to go for it, Westboro is proven right and we all grovel before Fred Phelps. If he doesn’t, no one has to die, and Jennifer and Jessica are free to register for that panini press at Crate & Barrel.

If this isn’t a win-win proposition, I don’t know what is.

In the meantime, I apologize to Connecticut, and the rest of the world, really, for the Westboro Baptist Church. We’re all kind of hoping they decide America is too far gone and try some Heaven’s Gate-style repentance.


  1. That the Westboro followers haven’t been swallowed in a sink hole is evidence to me that their god does not exist. If they thought about it and suddenly realized their uselessness and hurtfulness they would dig the hole themselves. These are sick human beings.
    Aside from that, I like your idea…


  2. These Westboro people are a horrible showcase of supposed Christianity. A couple of the guys were on the Russell Brand show recently and said that Gandhi was going to hell. Russell said something to the affect of “well, I guess we’ll all meet him there.” Their interpretation the Bible is ludicrous and them saying that they do this out of “love” is completely laughable. We had a soldier from our town die in combat during the Iraq war. They had put out the word that they were going to picket his funeral. (They’re not the smartest bunch, in any possible way) Several Biker Clubs decided to come to this funeral and even lined the streets and highways that the possession could be seen on. The Westboro guys ended up deciding to just go home. So, on top of being bigoted, racist, that don’t like civil rights, they also turn out to be total cowards. Who would of thought?


  3. Good idea as it is, repealing the Second Amendment will have no impact on gun violence. The guns are already out there, so are the loons and trying to take them back will lead to unimaginable bloodshed.


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