Tips for Making the Most of Shopmageddon

If you’re in the U.S., you’re probably really focused on preparing the lavish meal it wil take your family six minutes to eat, with faint plans to get some shopping done tomorrow.

Since Black Friday is something of a blood sport, I thought I’d give first-timers a few tips. I mean, I’ve never actually been shopping on Black Friday and sure as hell am not about to start, but I watch the news.  You don’t want to do a shitty job, because if you don’t get good stuff it’ll be really hard to keep lying to your kids about the psychotic Big Brother in the red fur pimp suit who rewards them for adhering to some amorphous ideal of “goodness” with toys they’ll forget about by January.

Merry Christmas.

1. Make a list before you go. For each item, indicate (1) the maximum price you are willing to pay and (2) the maximum amount of violence you are willing to inflict on another human to obtain it.

2. Eat a good breakfast. Coffee and doughnuts will give you the initial burst of manic energy needed to get through the door, while the protein and fat of bacon will keep you going for the long haul. Consider bringing a pick me up for the mid-morning slump, like a granola bar or a pre-filled syringe of heroin.

3. Bring the right equipment. Water. A rented box truck for all the loot. A debit or credit card that won’t be declined — for heaven’s sake, don’t try to pay for anything by check; too many people die in those riots — or fistfuls of cash. You’ll also need some anti-competitor weaponry; shotguns are usually frowned upon, but pepper spray should do the trick. Bringing a little old lady (95+) can sometimes help you get to the front of lines or buy you some space but only in the Midwest, so utilize Grandma sparingly.

4. Get there bright and early. Many stores have special Black Friday hours, opening at 6AM or 4AM; Walmart is funding a team of physicists to figure out how to warp the space-time continuum so they can open last Tuesday but still offer the same deals. Whatever your local stores’ hours, be sure to get there just as they open to beat the rush. Most people don’t know about this trick.

5. Wear comfy shoes. They’ll hurt less when you kick yourself later.

Of course, you could always just, you know, shop on the internet. Or decline to participate in our national overdose of consumerism. (I know, I know, I’m one a’ them crazy liberals. I’m actually a Second Lieutenant in the War On Christmas.)

Happy shopping, I guess.