Toddler or Drunk Schizophrenic?

  • Frequently overhead holding conversations with imaginary persons.
  • Terrible impulse control.
  • Has dissociative episodes where s/he thinks s/he is someone else.*
  • Requires that all foods be smothered in ketchup.**
  • Enters fugue states where no communication from others penetrates.***
  • Rapid mood swings.
  • Garbled speech.
  • Irrational insistence on self-imposed rules that are inscrutable to others.****
  • Limited understanding of cause-and-effect, spatial relations, and the concept of the “indoor voice.”
  • Megalomania.
  • Poops in pants.

Answer to all of the above: toddler.  (See fig. A)

*For example, Grandma.

**Including but not limited to cucumbers and salami.

*** Particularly during a new episode of “Dr. McStuffins.”

****E.g., imaginary soup can only be consumed while seated.


Fig. A: 


Say it, don't spray it.

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