Toddler or Drunk Schizophrenic?

• Frequently overhead holding conversations with imaginary persons.
• Terrible impulse control.
• Has dissociative episodes where s/he thinks s/he is someone else.*
• Requires that all foods be smothered in ketchup.**
• Enters fugue states where no communication from others penetrates.***
• Rapid mood swings.
• Garbled speech.
• Irrational insistence on self-imposed rules that are inscrutable to others.****
• Limited understanding of cause-and-effect, spatial relations, and the concept of the “indoor voice.”
• Megalomania.
• Poops in pants.

Answer to all of the above: toddler.  (See fig. A)

*For example, Grandma.

**Including but not limited to cucumbers and salami.

*** Particularly during a new episode of “Dr. McStuffins.”

****E.g., imaginary soup can only be consumed while seated.

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Fig. A: