Fox News’s Eric Bolling recently declared that there is no such thing as a coincidence, and since the statement was broadcast on network television, I have no choice but to believe it.
In light of that, I want to talk about something troubling that happened to me today: I was in the bathroom finishing up a particularly traumatic Wheaties-induced shit, when I saw that there was no more toilet paper on the roll.
This is obviously a result of big government’s intrusion into my private life/bathroom by President Barack “Five-Year Plan” Obama’s communist administration.
It’s one thing to raise my taxes or kill my grandmother via death panel, but to literally chap my ass? YOU HAVE CROSSED A LINE, SIR.
Thank god I have Fox News so I know when to be legitimately pissed about something my government is doing.