An Open Letter, To Hell In a Handbasket, You've Built a Crawl Space Under Your All-Time Low

Here, Dear Abby, I fleshed out the unfinished paragraph in that column for you.

“It appears you and that boy had a severe breakdown in communication, which led to your being sexually assaulted.”

Jesus fucking Christ, Abby. Whoopsie! Looks like a line got left out, Abby. I’m sure what you meant to say was:

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Building teh Interwebz, Effed-Up Shit, Warning: Strident Feminism Ahead, You've Built a Crawl Space Under Your All-Time Low

I do not think “strong community management” means what you think it means.

(Or maybe it does, in which case: fuck “strong community management.”)

SxSW canceled a panel on overcoming harassment in gaming because of harassment and threats of violence, because: of course they did. Then, they said this by way of explanation:

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An Open Letter, Fatty McChubberson, Warning: Strident Feminism Ahead, You've Built a Crawl Space Under Your All-Time Low

Got a second, racist white dudes?

Of course you don’t; not for me. But just in case…

I recognize that white dudes generally do not feel a need to protect me, avenge my honor, or care if I’m sexually assaulted at all; after all, I’m a hairy-legged, unabashed feminist. Shrieking harridans are not high on the damsel-in-distress-o-meter.

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To Hell In a Handbasket, You've Built a Crawl Space Under Your All-Time Low

I refer you to Fig. 1 in the appendix.

You know how some guy famous for being on a reality television because his family got rich off of duck callers made shitty comments about gay people, received some blowback for it from the network that airs the show, and then everyone got their Freedom Panties in a bunch because OMG FIRST AMENDMENT?! And how that doesn’t have half a good goddamn to do with the First Amendment?

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Effed-Up Shit, To Hell In a Handbasket, You've Built a Crawl Space Under Your All-Time Low

Sorry, Humanity, we’re breaking up.

We all know, by now, that you should never read the comments.

Apparently, we can’t read the internet at all anymore, because this is an actual, non-satire, not-in-the-comments thing I just read. (Warning: will probably cause instant head explosion):

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An Open Letter, Warning: Strident Feminism Ahead, You've Built a Crawl Space Under Your All-Time Low

Maybe I should re-name this blog to “Things I Shouldn’t Have to Say.”

Dear Wayne Nutnot,

Your “edgy” and “humorous” post about how you are a feminist but find female genitalia to be “objectively gross” is neither edgy nor humorous nor feminist. Attempting to generate laughs by degrading women is one of the oldest tricks in the book. If you’re going to do it, at least do it well enough that I’m disgusted but begrudgingly in awe of your wit. This is a hack job, and you know it. Cheap clicks.

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Effed-Up Shit, You've Built a Crawl Space Under Your All-Time Low

Step One: Cut a Hole in the Box

So, this is a person with a blog. Judging from her many sponsors — the main one is BlogHer — and commenters, her blog is fairly popular.

She would like a “bikini body” in time for summer here in the Northern Hemisphere. If the magazines that assault me when I’m at Duane Reade stocking up on jelly beans and popcorn are any indication, this desire is shared by many.

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Effed-Up Shit, My Uterus Will Cut You, To Hell In a Handbasket, You've Built a Crawl Space Under Your All-Time Low

Life Lessons and Gendered Observations

1. I’m pretty sure dudes pass out drunk at parties all the time, and no one interprets this as a license to jam shit up their asses.

2. If I’m passed out drunk in the middle of the road and am unable to communicate and am wearing no pants and a t-shirt that says “Yes, Please!” and you stick anything in my vagina,  you just raped me.

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