I hope you gave your marketing team a bonus for this one.

Just in case you read that last post and thought, “Well, that’s was a terrible story, but luckily most folks don’t think being fat is the most awful thing a person could possibly be,” please allow me to introduce you to the AspireAssist.

The Aspire Assist is an actual FDA-approved spigot meant to be permanently implanted into the bodies of fat people so we can “aspirate” up to 30% of the food we eat out of our stomachs before it can be digested and turned into more terrible, terrible fat. I assume it was named “AspireAssist” after the marketing team astutely rejected the more accurate “Mechanical Bulimia Enabling Implant.”

Please, do tell me more about how spending 15 minutes in the bathroom after every meal aspirating the food I’ve just eaten out of a spigot in my gut is part of a “normal, healthy lifestyle.”


  1. Hey, y’all — if you clicked the AspireAssist link in an email notification of this post and thought, “hey, that doesn’t seem right,” that’s because it wasn’t right. The copy-paste fail has been corrected in the post itself.


  2. You’re right. People should actually do something productive with their lives instead of basing them in some stupid social standard such as being “fat”


  3. Yours is the second blog on which this has appeared. I hope this isn’t a trend. Bulimia in a tube. It’s making my blood pressure go up. Ya think they will create deflate a vessel next? Nah and that’s all I’ll say about that.


  4. Wow… I’m just… uh…
    Okay, first thing that struck me: on their site was the phrase “for people with obesity”
    *with* obesity? Is it a disease now?
    Second: the woman in the video looks really good. I can’t believe she “has obesity.” Her friends, on the other hand, need to eat more.
    Third: the description of “the device” sounds like something from a sci-fi novel.
    There is *so* much wrong with this!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. As an ‘forced bulimic’ for the last three+ years (esophageal issues related to an auto-immune disease), I can tell you from experience that this majorly fucked up. I have puked up (regurgitation is the medical term) everything for over three years, my esophagus was the size of a pea. And all that acid coming up causes problems, too, not only to your throat but also to your dental health. What the actual fuck, FDA?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. wait…what? O.o this is a real thing? holy…but then again I remember I recently read a post on facebook by someone who was prescribed medicine by a Doc who didn’t tell them about the ‘suicidal thoughts’ side effect


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