So we’re not even trying to pretend anymore, is that right?

Okay, yes, you want to exercise your not-at-all-made-in-the-context-of-patriarchy choice to wear stiletto heels because they make you feel powerful and you like the way your ass looks? Fine, I’m not going to stop you, although I will help you pick out a nice pair of Birkenstocks if you decide to come to the dark side. But you’ve gotta throw me a fucking bone, y’know?

shoe?Because this? Is not even PRETENDING to be a shoe. Maybe it’s an S&M thing. Maybe it’s a torture device. Possibly it’s a polio brace. Maybe it’s all three; it’s almost certainly a heinous amount of money, money that you could spend on a hundred pairs of Birkenstocks or a hefty donation to Planned Parenthood, which needs your hard-earned dollars way more than Tom Ford does.

Really, although I could use a new pair of clogs, I would prefer that you take your money and set it on fire rather than use it to buy these shoes. Sorry, “shoes.”

21 Comments

  1. Holy Toledo. And do you know those fool fashion-atas- nistas or whatever they call themselves will buy these damn ugly, ugly, ugly ah- did you say shoes? I am sorry but that is not a shoe. It’S CRAP. PlAIN AND SIMPLE.

    Great post by the way.

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  2. I was going to “like” this, but then thought better of it. It would be unauthentic because I purchased a pair of stilettos today. They are not bondage,Edward Scissorhands-looking stilettos, but they have a killer heel. I’ll be wishing I bought another pair of Toms about ten minutes into wearing them.

    Oh, and my stilettos don’ t make me feel powerful; they make me feel tall.

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    1. Out of curiosity, what is it about the feeling of being tall that makes it worthwhile? I’m not trying to be an asshole, I’m really wondering; tallness is associated with power, so it seems kinda the same.

      Then again, I have the luxury of being tall all the time, so I may be missing something here 🙂

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      1. Being taller for me is the most fun thing in the world! Not only can I actually reach things without climbing on counter-tops, they also enable me to wear longer skirts, which otherwise would make me look like a sad mushroom. Stilettos have their good points too!

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      2. I’ve always wanted to be tall. I’m not short really (5’6″) but I’ve been this height since the age of 12. I thought I would grow taller but then…didn’t. I have three friends pushing 6 feet and I enjoy wearing high heels around them. For me, it is seriously just a tall thing. Oh and the shoes I bought are purple, so there’s that too.

        BUT I do see your point. Tall is powerful. It’s even said that taller people have the best jobs. Any correlation between your height and your job?

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      3. Nope, I got my job sight unseen — online interviews and interactions only, not even a video chat. Anyway, my tallness is overridden by my fatness, which causes people to assume I’m lazy and stupid.

        As for reaching things on high shelves, step-stools allow you to do the same thing without capitulating to the patriarchy and fucking up your feet and back, so there’s that.

        Purple shoes are the bomb diggity, though.

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  3. I have Fred Flintstone feet and stilettos would have my little, short feet balancing on my toenails. I look at women wearing those shoes and I love the look of the leg but inside my brain my feet hurt at the thought of wearing them.

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  4. I had a parent-teacher meeting on Tuesday. I wore killer heels. By lunchtime the agony had dulled to a throbbing pulse. My 2pm my son suggested I take them off and I replied that if I did I would never get them on again. Wednesday and Thursday I went barefoot to work. When they saw my feet all commentary stopped. Some shoes are made for just opening your closet and admiring. These ones were definately not made for walking.

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  5. Michelle,
    I like it…polio brace! The only thing sadder than the fact that some lazy ass “created” this is that some sad person is wearing it. And not for Halloween.
    “Fashion” has always baffled me. Trendy, outrageous, and unique vs. practical. Some costumes, like the ridiculous torture device shown, appear to aim for the opposite of practical.
    It’s obviously easier to create something foolish and unique and call it a trend than actually put some thought into it. Any dumbass can make something that’s different. Practical takes actual thought. I’m reminded of the big chunk of metal on display as “art” in front of a Seattle bldg. It cost a lot of money but IT’S JUST A CHUNK OF METAL! At least carve it into a face or a dog or something! Who ARE these people?
    Thanks for letting me rant…
    Red

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  6. I’m five foot two inches. Wearing high heels didn’t make me look tall (although I felt tall when I wore them), I was just a five foot two inch person in heels. From the front, I looked great (I thought) from behind (not my behind) I looked like someone ;dressing up in her mummy’s shoes. And ps, high heels do terrible things to your back. The focus should be on that.

    Like

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