- Delusions of Gwyneth Paltrow
- Unfortunate Gastro-Intestinal Events
So, this is a person with a blog. Judging from her many sponsors — the main one is BlogHer — and commenters, her blog is fairly popular.
She would like a “bikini body” in time for summer here in the Northern Hemisphere. If the magazines that assault me when I’m at Duane Reade stocking up on jelly beans and popcorn are any indication, this desire is shared by many.
I was eating a cold leftover egg roll while investigating a raw juice cleanse, and then I disappeared into a vortex of cognitive dissonance. Tell my dogs I loved them.
Let’s leave aside the terrifying image of hordes of babies with assault rifles, shooting up the joint every time they don’t feel like taking a nap or are not allowed to have another cookie.
If they are babies? They have ALREADY BEEN BORN, and thus, were not aborted. I mean, I guess the armed babies could form some kind of vigilante group to terrorize abortion clinics and attempt to stop future abortions, but that’s a whole separate issue.
It seems that King of States! readers do not visit this blog for insights into the state of tech startup hiring and management – utterly shocking. However, while I will not cave to popular demand and start writing Iceberg Hunters fanfic, please know that there is a great deal more strident feminism yet to be expressed here.
In the meantime, here’s a picture of one of my dogs totally judging you:
Bow your heads and pretend to be serious.
This past weekend, I attended a gathering of several hundred computer-oriented college-age young men (and a few women) wearing novelty sweatpants, otherwise known as a “hackathon.”
Okay, yes, you want to exercise your not-at-all-made-in-the-context-of-patriarchy choice to wear stiletto heels because they make you feel powerful and you like the way your ass looks? Fine, I’m not going to stop you, although I will help you pick out a nice pair of Birkenstocks if you decide to come to the dark side. But you’ve gotta throw me a fucking bone, y’know?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
I’m sorry that you’ve been legally demoted from “person” to “incubator.” As always, New Jersey welcomes you.
Parts of southern New Jersey are barren wastelands similar to what I image North Dakota is like, so you should feel pretty comfortable here.
1. I’m pretty sure dudes pass out drunk at parties all the time, and no one interprets this as a license to jam shit up their asses.
2. If I’m passed out drunk in the middle of the road and am unable to communicate and am wearing no pants and a t-shirt that says “Yes, Please!” and you stick anything in my vagina, you just raped me.