I’m gonna need a bigger arm.

Michelle Weber,

King of States! presents: a cautionary tale.

When I got home from the gym this evening, there was a package waiting for me. I thought, “Ah! My new pair of yoga pants* and that orange shirt with the big number ‘5’ on it. Huzzah!” (I think “Huzzah!” a lot.)

As I rode up in the elevator, I wondered what compelled me to purchase an orange shirt with a big number ‘5’ on it; I passed my fifth birthday a few years back, and three is a better all-around number anyway. Then I remembered that when I was little, I had a blue sweatshirt with a big number ‘5’ on it; for the bulk of 1982, I wore nothing but that sweatshirt, a pair of corduroy pants, and cowboy boots. I was compelled, it would seem, by nostalgia.

But wait! While staring at the lit-up elevator buttons, I remembered that said blue sweatshirt did not, in fact, have a big number ‘5’ on it; it had a ‘4.’ “Ah,” I mused. “The fallibility of memory.”**

A few minutes ago, I opened the package. THE ORANGE SHIRT HAS A 9 ON IT. Which means:

  1. All my memories, long- and short-term, are suspect.
  2. I should never be allowed to provide eyewitness testimony for any matter of legal or ethical import.
  3. We should all start tattooing important facts that need to be remembered accurately on our persons, just to be safe.

You’re welcome.

* I’m down to fourteen or fifteen pairs (I work at home) so I was starting to get nervous. Crisis averted!

** I also start a lot of my thoughts with “Ah!” I’m basically on the cusp of surprise at all times.

23 Comments

  3. Crap! That flew off before I was done. I was going to say, Thanks for that post. And LOVE your writing. 🙂

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  4. I’m impressed that you at least remembered that the original shirt had a number on it. My memory is so shot (surprise, surprise; I blame having children) that I would have probably just ordered a shirt with a green pig on it.

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  5. 1) I, too begin many of my thoughts with “Ah!” only by me it does not denote surprise but rather, “I was right all along” and “when will I ever trust my absolute all-along-rightness?”
    2) Thoughts beginning with “huzzah”, however, are doomed to be suspect from the get-go.
    3) Much like Writing2 Words3, we too love your writing.

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  6. But you have to be careful where you put the tattoos in case you need to refer to them in a public place. Good story. Love the twists. Don’t worry, after the memory goes, the rest is easy, whatever it is.

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    1. Ha! My mother in law once got a mystery package from China containing nothing but a pair of jeans that fit no one in the family, and it took forever for someone to figure out that they’d actually ordered it.

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  9. Thanks for the chuckle! I’ve learned I can’t be trusted to make coffee in the morning. I should really measure it out the night before, so I don’t do things like put the percolator in the fridge to start boiling, or put the can of coffee away in the microwave…

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  15. Hey, I like this story, especially the part about the boots, you did mention boots didn’t you, cowboy boots? opps memory is showing or not…I like the part about having a pkg at your door, reminds me of a story…BJ

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