One of the many perqs of my job is the travel. For example, this afternoon, I leave for the glamorous state of Rhode Island.
The most direct route from New Jersey to Rhode Island requires driving straight through Connecticut, a state I have vowed to destroy. As I will be absorbed in eating fried clams and coffee milk in mass quantities all weekend, Connecticutians are safe through at least Monday morning, at which point the state is due to be destroyed by a hurricane anyway, thus saving me the trouble.
Now that I think about it, washing Connecticut into the sea could be much environmentally friendly than burning it to the ground and then salting the earth, although I suppose it might contaminate the otherwise pristine Jersey Shore with bits of washed-up Connecticut flotsam. Also there’s a chance that a few people could swim to safety and end up on Long Island, and lord knows Long Island has enough problems.
Anyway, if I don’t make it home because I have (1) been crucified by angry Nutmeggers or (2) am dead of instantaneous fried clam-induced heart disease, know that I have loved you all.