I Am a Fucking Genius

Too soon?

Tweet that I posted during a brief interlude of cell service on Monday night, immediately regretted, attempted to delete unsuccessfully, and forced my spouse to waste his precious cellphone battery signing in to Twitter as me to delete because he still had some 4G:

“Hurricane in full swing. Hope we’ve remembered to lock all our black neighbors in Giants Stadium with no other plans to help. #BushStormTips”


Maybe We Could Get Rid of Florida This Way, Too

One of the many perqs of my job is the travel. For example, this afternoon, I leave for the glamorous state of Rhode Island.

The most direct route from New Jersey to Rhode Island requires driving straight through Connecticut, a state I have vowed to destroy. As I will be absorbed in eating fried clams and coffee milk in mass quantities all weekend,  Connecticutians are safe through at least Monday morning, at which point the state is due to be destroyed by a hurricane anyway, thus saving me the trouble.

Now that I think about it, washing Connecticut into the sea could be much environmentally friendly than burning it to the ground and then salting the earth, although I suppose it might contaminate the otherwise pristine Jersey Shore with bits of washed-up Connecticut flotsam. Also there’s a chance that a few people could swim to safety and end up on Long Island, and lord knows Long Island has enough problems.

Anyway, if I don’t make it home because I have (1) been crucified by angry Nutmeggers or (2) am dead of instantaneous fried clam-induced heart disease, know that I have loved you all.

An Open Letter, Effed-Up Shit

I’m Considering Throwing In the Towel

A man with Down’s Syndrome wrote this incredible response to National Disgrace Ann Coulter, who does not deserve this gentleman’s time of day.

He was far more diplomatic than Ann Coulter deserves, and is dissuading me from publishing the open letter I’d been planning on:

Dear Ann,

Eat shit and die.


I realize that my letter is not very effective as a riposte, so I’m just going to go with “What he said.”

Ann Coulter: Making People Embarrassed To Be Human Since 1961

To Hell In a Handbasket

Someone Should Alert Mayor Bloomberg

I ran into a drug store earlier today to procure some flesh-colored* adhesive bandages, new passport photos, and a bottle of Arnold Palmer. While walking down the Halloween candy aisle, I saw the newest offering from Snickers, the “Slice and Share Snickers.” It costs $12 and weighs a full pound.

Next to it was the world’s largest Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, also weighing in at a full pound. I note with interest that the Reese’s packaging did not indicate that the megacup was to be sliced and shared. Thus, I can only assume it is meant to be consumed by one person in a single sitting, probably while sitting in a dark room and crying.

They might want to list that serving suggestion on the wrapper, to make sure purchasers understand that it is NOT APPROPRIATE to eat a one-pound peanut butter cup (1) in public or (2) without hating yourself.

For Christ’s sake, candy people: yes, we all have free will, but YOU ARE NOT HELPING.


Effed-Up Shit, My Uterus Will Cut You

You guys, it’s SO HARD to clean brains out of textured upholstery.

My job requires that I read a great many blogs. Some of them are great. Some of them are awful. Some of them make me laugh. Some of them make me cry. Some of them put me to sleep.

Some of them are written by young women displaying truly stunning critical thinking skills that cause them to write things like this:

As for the women who get multiple abortions, I most certainly believe that they should be sterilized after the second one, no matter the reasoning for them. If we allow women to have an easy way out because they are too lazy to get a shot or take a pill, the senselessness will continue.*

My head exploded when I read this woman’s post—and not just because I had to correct her grammar before I was comfortable posting this excerpt—splattering gray matter all over my new sofa. I paid good money for that sofa and would rather not have to throw it out, although I suppose it’s my fault for being too lazy to cover it with a tarp before wading into the morass of the blogosphere.

Really, I’ve always been pretty lazy. I should never have been allowed to buy the sofa in the first place, and should probably be barred from buying sofas in the future.

This is why I can’t have nice things.

*No, I will not provide a link. This behavior should not be encouraged.

Effed-Up Shit, Superiority

New Jersey Will Offer Asylum To The First 500,000 Connecticutians

Connecticutters?* Whatever. Not the point.

Here’s the thing: the Supreme Court of Connecticut, which is apparently occupied by three actual human persons and four sub-human rape apologists, recently did this. You probably shouldn’t click that link unless you’re sitting next to someone who’s okay with being punched in the throat.

I’m pretty sure there’s no coming back from this, and that our only option is to burn Connecticut to the ground and start over. New Jersey will give asylum to about half a million refugees. The rest of you will need to go overland to Canada, so Godspeed.

Normally I’m not quite so Old Testament-y in my reactions, but this epic display of human callousness and woman-hating deserves a truly Biblical response.

Those who look back while fleeing will be turned into a pillar of Sperry-brand boat shoes.

*Apparently, they are often called “nutmeggers,” and I’m not even going to touch that.

My Uterus Will Cut You

They’re Like Jews for Jesus, But Without All the Jewiness

It’s recently been brought to my attention that there are “Feminists for Romney.” Apparently, they believe that a government attempt at uterine colonization is a fringe issue that detracts from the more pressing problems of a sagging economy.

To these people, I might respectfully suggest that it is perhaps a bit shortsighted to think that women’s reproductive choices are not an economic issue.

I could suggest that in a much less respectful manner, so don’t force my hand.

My Uterus Will Cut You

Just To Clarify

You want to curtail my right to control what happens inside my personal uterus because once upon a time ten years ago, you saw the grainy outline of a pulsating bean on a tiny television screen.

Got it. Thank you for the compelling scientific data.

I assume this bodes well for my personal policy recommendation that we abolish public libraries because when I was 19 years old, I almost hit a Basset Hound with my car on the way to a library. Okay, it wasn’t a library, it was a Waldenbooks, but they’re out of business now so libraries it is.

What? It’s like you WANT puppies to die. You disgust me.

Effed-Up Shit

Well, this has really gone much too far.

Fox News’s Eric Bolling recently declared that there is no such thing as a coincidence, and since the statement was broadcast on network television, I have no choice but to believe it.

In light of that, I want to talk about something troubling that happened to me today: I was in the bathroom finishing up a particularly traumatic Wheaties-induced shit, when I saw that there was no more toilet paper on the roll.

This is obviously a result of big government’s intrusion into my private life/bathroom by President Barack “Five-Year Plan” Obama’s communist administration.

It’s one thing to raise my taxes or kill my grandmother via death panel, but to literally chap my ass? YOU HAVE CROSSED A LINE, SIR.

Thank god I have Fox News so I know when to be legitimately pissed about something my government is doing.