ETA: Dammit:

She would like a “bikini body” in time for summer here in the Northern Hemisphere. If the magazines that assault me when I’m at Duane Reade stocking up on jelly beans and popcorn are any indication, this desire is shared by many.

For this blogger, that means:

…I need to be skinny, like, yesterday.
I know, I know…it’s “politically correct” to say I “want to be healthy.”
Eff that. I want to be effing skinny.

She will accomplish this via:

One protein shake, three times a day.
Period.
Solid food will not touch my lips for at least an entire month, if not more.

RIght? I damn near choked on my cold egg roll.

I have maybe a few things to say about this.

1. There is a much quicker way to get a bikini body: obtain a bikini, and put in on your body. The end.
2. I’m really excited to see that BlogHer, champion for women, gives their imprimatur to this kind of incredibly helpful web content.

I guess I’m suppose to clap my hands and thank her for admitting what all women are really thinking… except, we’re not all really thinking that, and writing about your need to conform to a damaging set of beauty stereotypes without offering a whit of critical analysis is not so much helpful.

Unless the photos accompanying the post are aspirational photos of someone else, this person is already thin and conventionally attractive. Is it easier for her to starve her way into a smaller bikini and use the ensuing male approval to boost her self-esteem, skirting the need to dig into why she feels inadequate in the first place? Sure. Can she write about whatever the hell she wants on her blog? But of course.

But I don’t have to cheer for the “honesty.”

If they are babies? They have ALREADY BEEN BORN, and thus, were not aborted. I mean, I guess the armed babies could form some kind of vigilante group to terrorize abortion clinics and attempt to stop future abortions, but that’s a whole separate issue.

I will not unpack the many, many other problems with the idea of a fetus shooting its way out of the womb, because I don’t have that kind of time.

Our campaign bumper sticker: If babies had guns, they wouldn't be aborted. stockman2014.com #gosnell #tcot http://t.co/CVaYrQAeK9

—
Rep. Steve Stockman (@ReElectStockman) April 12, 2013

In the meantime, here’s a picture of one of my dogs totally judging you:

“That’s what you’re going to wear on the interview, really?

No, no, you look fine. I was just asking.”

This past weekend, I attended a gathering of several hundred computer-oriented college-age young men (and a few women) wearing novelty sweatpants, otherwise known as a “hackathon.”

There were a number of post-college persons in attendance, mainly representatives from the sponsoring companies who were there to mentor the young Jonathan Jameses and let them know that their yen for appearing in public in Batman pajamas and winter hats with knitted animal ears need not be an impediment to gainful employment.

Many of these post-college persons introduced themselves as “Developer Evangelists.” As far as I can tell, a Developer Evangelist spends a lot of time with other current and wannabe developers, learning about their work, figuring out how others’ projects can inform their own, and looking for partnership opportunities.

I’m perplexed by the Developer Evangelists, and my immediate reaction to them is: “you’re doing it wrong.”* I mean, if you’re doing a good job of hiring, then you have a bunch of gung-ho employees who are excited to talk about their work, grow their skills, and look for ways to make that happen, no? It seems like the wiser course of action is to cultivate a workplace where everyone is a Whatever-Their-Role-Is Evangelist. It’s good for company PR. It’s good for hiring. It’s good for individual professional development. It brings more cool ideas back to the company.

More Evangelists = Bigger Funner for New Ideas and Hires = Better Company and Better Work. I mean, historically, More Evangelists = More Martyrdom, but I think modern tech startups have moved past that.

Granted, not everyone wants to be an evangelist; some of us just want to do our work (although if you’re excited about what you do, you’re kind of an evangelist anyway — sorry). But it feels like creating a space where anyone can and is encouraged to be one is better in the long run than creating a few specialized postions.

I’ve worked in the tech industry for nearly eight months and am not a developer, so I’m pretty sure I know what I’m talking about.

*I’m also perplexed by the choice of the word “evangelist,” but that’s a whole ‘nother post.

Because this? Is not even PRETENDING to be a shoe. Maybe it’s an S&M thing. Maybe it’s a torture device. Possibly it’s a polio brace. Maybe it’s all three; it’s almost certainly a heinous amount of money, money that you could spend on a hundred pairs of Birkenstocks or a hefty donation to Planned Parenthood, which needs your hard-earned dollars way more than Tom Ford does.

Really, although I could use a new pair of clogs, I would prefer that you take your money and set it on fire rather than use it to buy these shoes. Sorry, “shoes.”

Parts of southern New Jersey are barren wastelands similar to what I image North Dakota is like, so you should feel pretty comfortable here.