To Hell In a Handbasket, You've Built a Crawl Space Under Your All-Time Low

I refer you to Fig. 1 in the appendix.

You know how some guy famous for being on a reality television because his family got rich off of duck callers made shitty comments about gay people, received some blowback for it from the network that airs the show, and then everyone got their Freedom Panties in a bunch because OMG FIRST AMENDMENT?! And how that doesn’t have half a good goddamn to do with the First Amendment?

Continue reading

Effed-Up Shit, To Hell In a Handbasket, You've Built a Crawl Space Under Your All-Time Low

Sorry, Humanity, we’re breaking up.

We all know, by now, that you should never read the comments.

Apparently, we can’t read the internet at all anymore, because this is an actual, non-satire, not-in-the-comments thing I just read. (Warning: will probably cause instant head explosion):

Continue reading

An Open Letter, Warning: Strident Feminism Ahead, You've Built a Crawl Space Under Your All-Time Low

Maybe I should re-name this blog to “Things I Shouldn’t Have to Say.”

Dear Wayne Nutnot,

Your “edgy” and “humorous” post about how you are a feminist but find female genitalia to be “objectively gross” is neither edgy nor humorous nor feminist. Attempting to generate laughs by degrading women is one of the oldest tricks in the book. If you’re going to do it, at least do it well enough that I’m disgusted but begrudgingly in awe of your wit. This is a hack job, and you know it. Cheap clicks.

Continue reading

Effed-Up Shit, You've Built a Crawl Space Under Your All-Time Low

Step One: Cut a Hole in the Box

So, this is a person with a blog. Judging from her many sponsors — the main one is BlogHer — and commenters, her blog is fairly popular.

She would like a “bikini body” in time for summer here in the Northern Hemisphere. If the magazines that assault me when I’m at Duane Reade stocking up on jelly beans and popcorn are any indication, this desire is shared by many.

Continue reading

Effed-Up Shit, My Uterus Will Cut You, To Hell In a Handbasket, You've Built a Crawl Space Under Your All-Time Low

Life Lessons and Gendered Observations

1. I’m pretty sure dudes pass out drunk at parties all the time, and no one interprets this as a license to jam shit up their asses.

2. If I’m passed out drunk in the middle of the road and am unable to communicate and am wearing no pants and a t-shirt that says “Yes, Please!” and you stick anything in my vagina,  you just raped me.

Continue reading

My Uterus Will Cut You, You've Built a Crawl Space Under Your All-Time Low

My Review of the Oscars

1. I was not aware that Edgar Winters does sound, editing, set direction, and other sundry jobs for 75% of all films. Busy man.

2. Seth MacFarlane and the rest of the “writing” team hate women. Also they are shitty writers, because taking pot-shots at women is the laziest form of comedy, even lazier than puns.

Continue reading

You've Built a Crawl Space Under Your All-Time Low

“Iceberg Hunters” Is Totally a Real Show

No, really. They sail their fishing boat out to some big ol’ icebergs, and they shoot at the icebergs with guns. Apparently, you can harvest the ice that breaks off and sell it to bottled water producers.

  • First, they circle the iceberg several times. I assume they are attempting to confuse it so it will make a mistake.
  • Then, they shoot the iceberg. With regular rifles, such as one might use to shoot tin cans off a fence, or Dick Cheney’s hunting companion in the face.
  • Next, the iceberg laughs at them, because IT IS AN ICEBERG, not a pile of ice that came out of your home freezer.
  • Then, the hunters eat lunch while waiting to see what happens.
  • Eventually, the iceberg throws them a bone and sheds a miniscule piece of ice, but not from the section that was shot, just to prove who the boss is in this scenario.

During all this, the hunters are accompanied by a film crew made up of people who go home and drink themselves into a stupor every night because they couldn’t get hired by Deadliest Catch and they’ll never get to hang out with Mike Rowe.

Yes, I watched one-half of one episode, so you wouldn’t have to. You’re welcome.