New Jersey: Love It, Or Be SO WRONG.
(You can have that slogan free of charge, Gov. Christie. My gift to you in your time of need.)
It’s sweet that people are tweeting and Facebooking and blogging and actually saying things aloud in real life about the quality of their fathers and/or husbands: namely, that said father and/or husband is the BEST FATHER EVER.
I feel a little guilty posting these photos, because exposure to them will likely shatter that reverie.
I’m sorry that you’ve been legally demoted from “person” to “incubator.” As always, New Jersey welcomes you.
Parts of southern New Jersey are barren wastelands similar to what I image North Dakota is like, so you should feel pretty comfortable here.
The United States now has more self-serve frozen yogurt and topping bars with punny names than it does schools.
The rest of the world must face down the massive fro-yo gap we’ve created. Deal with that, China.
Today, we can add two more places to that list:
Here in New Jersey, we hold eagles to much higher standards of comportment.
The New York City marathon has been cancelled this weekend, which I’m sure is a terrible inconvenience for many runners, almost as bad as having no power or water or food, or having one’s house washed into the sea.
I know there are some who wanted the marathon to go on to declare the RESILIENCE OF THE CITY. Hear, hear, I say! By giving in, we have allowed the ocean to win. How will we declare to Neptune that He Is Not the Boss of Us? Let the runners traipse over New Yorkers’ shattered lives to prove a point to nature!
Connecticutters?* Whatever. Not the point.
Here’s the thing: the Supreme Court of Connecticut, which is apparently occupied by three actual human persons and four sub-human rape apologists, recently did this. You probably shouldn’t click that link unless you’re sitting next to someone who’s okay with being punched in the throat.
I’m pretty sure there’s no coming back from this, and that our only option is to burn Connecticut to the ground and start over. New Jersey will give asylum to about half a million refugees. The rest of you will need to go overland to Canada, so Godspeed.
Normally I’m not quite so Old Testament-y in my reactions, but this epic display of human callousness and woman-hating deserves a truly Biblical response.
Those who look back while fleeing will be turned into a pillar of Sperry-brand boat shoes.
*Apparently, they are often called “nutmeggers,” and I’m not even going to touch that.
Apparently, Australia has fire tornadoes. Swirling, 100-foot high vortices of fire.
You know where there’s never been a fire tornado? New Jersey.