I’m sorry that you’ve been legally demoted from “person” to “incubator.” As always, New Jersey welcomes you.
Parts of southern New Jersey are barren wastelands similar to what I image North Dakota is like, so you should feel pretty comfortable here.
Category Archives: Superiority
Tipping Point
The United States now has more self-serve frozen yogurt and topping bars with punny names than it does schools.
The rest of the world must face down the massive fro-yo gap we’ve created. Deal with that, China.
Add Two More To the List
We’ve already established that New Jersey is superior to Australia (home of the fire tornado)(and populated by criminals) and Connecticut (home of misogynist assbags).
Today, we can add two more places to that list:
- Mexico, because of the fish tornadoes.
Canada, because of the baby-snatching eagles. Ed.: DEBUNKED! But Canada stays on the list, because they foisted Rush upon the world.
Here in New Jersey, we hold eagles to much higher standards of comportment.
We Will Never Be Able To Look Posiedon In the Eye Again
The New York City marathon has been cancelled this weekend, which I’m sure is a terrible inconvenience for many runners, almost as bad as having no power or water or food, or having one’s house washed into the sea.
I know there are some who wanted the marathon to go on to declare the RESILIENCE OF THE CITY. Hear, hear, I say! By giving in, we have allowed the ocean to win. How will we declare to Neptune that He Is Not the Boss of Us? Let the runners traipse over New Yorkers’ shattered lives to prove a point to nature!
In other news, Cory Booker follows me on Twitter. I am, therefore, cooler than you.
New Jersey Will Offer Asylum To The First 500,000 Connecticutians
Connecticutters?* Whatever. Not the point.
Here’s the thing: the Supreme Court of Connecticut, which is apparently occupied by three actual human persons and four sub-human rape apologists, recently did this. You probably shouldn’t click that link unless you’re sitting next to someone who’s okay with being punched in the throat.
I’m pretty sure there’s no coming back from this, and that our only option is to burn Connecticut to the ground and start over. New Jersey will give asylum to about half a million refugees. The rest of you will need to go overland to Canada, so Godspeed.
Normally I’m not quite so Old Testament-y in my reactions, but this epic display of human callousness and woman-hating deserves a truly Biblical response.
Those who look back while fleeing will be turned into a pillar of Sperry-brand boat shoes.
*Apparently, they are often called “nutmeggers,” and I’m not even going to touch that.
And We’re Not Responsible for Mel Gibson, Either
Apparently, Australia has fire tornadoes. Swirling, 100-foot high vortices of fire.
You know where there’s never been a fire tornado? New Jersey.
Just saying.
