Category Archives: Lists of Things

Effed-Up Shit, Lists of Things

An Adequate Festivus to You and Yours!

Here is a selection of my grievances. I encourage you all to leave a comment with one or more grievances, so that we may all pile on those who have wronged you, internet-style.

Doctor who laughed at me when I suggested my back pain might be a sign of something more serious than a muscle spasm and ejected me from the ER, having done no tests, with some prescription Aleve: you are a crappy doctor. I have herniated discs. Fuck you.

People in my neighborhood who think that it’s not necessary to pick up their dog’s poop when it’s rainy: the gentle rain will not wash away your Great Dane’s shit. It’s disgusting. Fuck you.

People who extorted thousands of dollars from us while buying our condo:

(a) I’m secretly a teeny bit glad that it ended up being decimated by Hurricane Sandy a month after you moved in.

(b) I hate you even more for forcing me to having that totally uncharitable, assholish thought.

Fuck you.

Person who invented Fireball cinnamon-flavored whiskey: It is far too easy to shoot, and I cannot deal with a hangover the way I could 10 years ago. Fuck you. (Honorable mention: the person who introduced me to Fireball. You know who you are.)

People who “poke” their friends on Facebook: OH MY GOD, EVERYBODY HATES YOU. Stop it. Also, fuck you.

I feel better! You?

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Lists of Things

Toddler or Drunk Schizophrenic?

  • Frequently overhead holding conversations with imaginary persons.
  • Terrible impulse control.
  • Has dissociative episodes where s/he thinks s/he is someone else.*
  • Requires that all foods be smothered in ketchup.**
  • Enters fugue states where no communication from others penetrates.***
  • Rapid mood swings.
  • Garbled speech.
  • Irrational insistence on self-imposed rules that are inscrutable to others.****
  • Limited understanding of cause-and-effect, spatial relations, and the concept of the “indoor voice.”
  • Megalomania.
  • Poops in pants.

Answer to all of the above: toddler.  (See fig. A)

*For example, Grandma.

**Including but not limited to cucumbers and salami.

*** Particularly during a new episode of “Dr. McStuffins.”

****E.g., imaginary soup can only be consumed while seated.

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Fig. A: 

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