Effed-Up Shit, It's 3AM; I must be lonely.

On survival, and enough.

It’s two-thirty in the morning. I’d like to be sleeping. Instead, I’m propped up on a corner of the sofa, bleeding like a stuck pig and trying not to whimper audibly as I wait for this horse-tranquilizing doze of Advil to quell the menstrual cramps that feel like a dozen animated claw hammers trying to escape my uterus from within. I’m tired, and I’m cranky, and it hurts, and this sucks.

But I’m alive.

Connie’s not.

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It's 3AM; I must be lonely.

From a Craigslist – Amsterdam apartment listing: “Unfurnished and immediately available very spacious, well laid out and very well maintained double-down house of about 96m², situated in a beautiful location at Kerkstraat in the center between the Utrechtsestraat and the Amstel.”

So, it’s a two-between apartment between two pieces of fried chicken? They’re smoking some good shit over there.

My other apartment is a Chipotle burrito bowl.

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It's 3AM; I must be lonely., Lists of Things

A partial list of things your ungrateful friend might want.

As I was walking home from the gym this afternoon, a pair of woman walking just ahead was having an animated, angry conversation. Quoth woman-on-the-left:

“I got her the fucking golf balls; I don’t know what else she wants.”

Which led me to wonder: what more does she want? Some ideas:

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It's 3AM; I must be lonely., To Hell In a Handbasket

Sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees, possibly because your giant racist head is blocking the view of the forest.

Americans, demand better of your media.

Here is an actual thing that an actual person said on television today, in reference to the Charlie Hebdo attack:

Bream wondered how police would be able to identify “bad guys” if they had ski masks and couldn’t “even know what color,” what “the tone of their skin was?”

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It's 3AM; I must be lonely., Jesus H. Christ

Western religion, as explained by my dog.

(Please note that the dog is significantly cuter than he is smart. Although he cannot actually read, write, or speak, we believe he is Jewish. Yes, we anthropomorphize the dog to a problematic degree. We are in our mid-late thirties and childless. Shut up.)

Translated from the Dog by my husband.

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It's 3AM; I must be lonely.

I am shocked at Buzzfeed’s lax editorial standards.

There’s an article on Buzzfeed at the moment about the improbably-named Benedict Cumberbatch, who appeared in a fashion magazine wearing a t-shirt declaring, “This is what a feminist looks like.”

(Yes, I sometimes look at Buzzfeed articles that have been shared on my Facebook wall. Yes, I still use Facebook. Shut up.)

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Effed-Up Shit, It's 3AM; I must be lonely.

Happy Columbus Day! If you’d like to celebrate with me, meet me tomorrow at the southeast corner of 21st Street and 5th Avenue, 10AM. We’ll pick a direction to walk in, enter the first store we come across, and take whatever the hell we want.

Discovery! So exhilarating.

If anyone tries to stop you, just shove ’em out of the way.

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