Goings-On, It's 3AM; I must be lonely.

And the microphone smells like a beer.

Tonight, we saw Billy Joel perform — his 20th sold-out show in a row — at Madison Square Garden. Itzhak fricking Perlman came out to play on several songs, and rocked the shit out of the fiddle bits in “Downeaster Alexa,” and possibly the beautifully plaintive tone he pulls out of his instrument made me tear up a little.

Continue reading

Standard
It's 3AM; I must be lonely., Preach it.

“When it was time to write, and he took his pen in his hand, he never thought of consequences; he thought of style. I wonder why I ever bothered with sex, he thought; there’s nothing in this breathing world so gratifying as an artfully placed semicolon.”

– Hilary Mantel, A Place of Greater Safety

As though I didn’t already love Hilary Mantel.

Quote
Effed-Up Shit, It's 3AM; I must be lonely.

On survival, and enough.

It’s two-thirty in the morning. I’d like to be sleeping. Instead, I’m propped up on a corner of the sofa, bleeding like a stuck pig and trying not to whimper audibly as I wait for this horse-tranquilizing doze of Advil to quell the menstrual cramps that feel like a dozen animated claw hammers trying to escape my uterus from within. I’m tired, and I’m cranky, and it hurts, and this sucks.

But I’m alive.

Connie’s not.

Continue reading

Standard
It's 3AM; I must be lonely.

From a Craigslist – Amsterdam apartment listing: “Unfurnished and immediately available very spacious, well laid out and very well maintained double-down house of about 96m², situated in a beautiful location at Kerkstraat in the center between the Utrechtsestraat and the Amstel.”

So, it’s a two-between apartment between two pieces of fried chicken? They’re smoking some good shit over there.

My other apartment is a Chipotle burrito bowl.

Aside
It's 3AM; I must be lonely., Lists of Things

A partial list of things your ungrateful friend might want.

As I was walking home from the gym this afternoon, a pair of woman walking just ahead was having an animated, angry conversation. Quoth woman-on-the-left:

“I got her the fucking golf balls; I don’t know what else she wants.”

Which led me to wonder: what more does she want? Some ideas:

Continue reading

Standard
It's 3AM; I must be lonely., To Hell In a Handbasket

Sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees, possibly because your giant racist head is blocking the view of the forest.

Americans, demand better of your media.

Here is an actual thing that an actual person said on television today, in reference to the Charlie Hebdo attack:

Bream wondered how police would be able to identify “bad guys” if they had ski masks and couldn’t “even know what color,” what “the tone of their skin was?”

Continue reading

Standard
It's 3AM; I must be lonely., Jesus H. Christ

Western religion, as explained by my dog.

(Please note that the dog is significantly cuter than he is smart. Although he cannot actually read, write, or speak, we believe he is Jewish. Yes, we anthropomorphize the dog to a problematic degree. We are in our mid-late thirties and childless. Shut up.)

Translated from the Dog by my husband.

Continue reading

Standard